My Last Day with My Dad

My last day seeing my dad alive was September 18th, 2010. I took a morning flight from San Jose and and arrived at LAX at 8:30. I got to see my dad in the Garfield hospital at 9:45. He was on the third floor, sharing the room with a cancer patient.

When I arrived he was sleeping. But he woke up about 10 minutes later. He seemed alert but tired. But it was nice that he was making eye-contact with me and could speak. His wife fed him some thickened apple juice and a pint of milk. I also tried to feed him. I spent most of my time holding his hand. He did not like having his arm strapped down. But they were strapped down because he had been trying to rip out his feeding tube and his IV's. He didn't like being strapped down and said " Wo fan shemme fa?" (what crime did I commit?) But eventually, I took one arm out so I could hold his hand. We were together for 45 minutes. I sang hymns to him. He told me he recognized the tunes that I sang. I sang " How Great Thou Art". "Amazing grace" "Because He Lives" "the Doxology", "I have decided to follow Jesus", and some other tunes. At some point he fell back asleep. His wife left the room from 11 - 3. It was just my dad and me. I read a system verilog book while he slept. I also spent time talking to the nurses and complaining about him getting dehydrated at the nursing home. I watched as they took his blood pressure and gave him his breathing treatment. My dad looked really weak. It seems like he was just lying in bed all day. It seems like he knew he was near the end. At about 12:30, he woke up. I sang to him, and held his hand. We stared into each other eye's a lot. He said something about feeling "very close to me. Never felt so close to me before." And I said, "Yes, I feel very close to you". At times he was grappling at my arm. I didn't know what he wanted. But other times he just held my hand, from one hand to the other. Sometimes, he would take my hand to wipe his lips. But sometimes, he just kissed my hand. I rubbed his forehead. I asked him if he wanted me to sing to him more. He said "wu so wei (it doesn't matter). He just liked me near him. I sang the doxology once again, and he mustered enough energy to sing "da-dum-dum-dum- Amen" the rest of the melody. (In my visit in August, before we ate our meal in his kitchen, he had sang some sort of "grace" to the tune of the doxology, so I already knew he was familiar with the tune). I asked him, literally, if he knew Jesus. "Ni jr dao Ye Su" ma? He seemed kind of confused by my question. I realized I should have said "ni xiang xin ye su ma?" But I was afraid to talk more, afraid that he was in a bad mood and might say something I didn't want to hear. Another time that day, I said, "Ni ji de ni yi chien shr mu-shr ma?" (do you remember you used to be a minister?" He said with energy, "of course I remember!". At one point I said that I was 38. He said in disbelief, "you can't be 38!" and then I told him he was "82"

Winson came in at about 1:00. throughout that time, my dad had been in and out , falling asleep and waking up. We had also been feeding my dad, and he was doing a good job eating. There was a time when he held my hand and Winson's hand, and had all three of our hands together. And he put his hand on Winson's heart. He told Winson he wanted to feel his heart beat. (He managed to say that very sentimental request in a very matter of fact way). He kissed Winson's hand. Winson said to my dad, "We know you love us, and we love you very much".

And he asked about my mom, and I told him she's doing great. And he asked about my job, and I told him it was great. And I had my kids call on the cell phone at about 3:30, and he heard them saying " ni hao gong gong" on the phone. And then he was tired. And he went back to sleep till 5:30. At 5:30, I knew I was about to go back in 30 minutes. I wanted my dad to wake up. It was really hard for him to stay awake. At about 5:45, one of the internists came in and talked to my dad, and my dad awoke a little more. So at about the last 10 minutes before I left, my dad was alert, and I told him that I had to go, but to take good care of himself, and get stronger so that we can visit again with my kids and James when he gets out of the hospital. And he just looked at me, staring into my eyes, and I said, "say something" and he said "bye-bye". Then he told my brother "ni sung ni di mei-mei hwei jia". or something like that meaning "take your little sister to the airport".

He left the hospital at the end of that week. I really thought I would have had a chance to see him again. I was hoping he would be on the road to recovery. We booked an airplane ticket for 10/10 for the 5 of us (my mom included). I did not know he would pass away the day before at 8:20 am.

I am crying now, as I remember the last day. I remember that day, i wanted so badly to cry on him and tell him how much I loved him, and how much I would miss him. But I didn't want him to feel bad, so I kept my tears inside.

I love you dad!!