Dealing with Anxiousness

I called Mark & Audrey since I didn't get a reply to my email.  I always like talking to them because I feel they are such godly, humble people who I wish I could be more like.  I was a little bit caught by surprise when Mark shared with me his concern that I have a pattern of anxiety about Jacob's schooling and that this might just be the beginning of it.  Ironically, I thought that my decision to go to Sutter was a sign that I was trusting God more, not that I was too worried.  I was abandoning the security of sending Jacob to the "best school in CA" because I valued the community and friendship we had at Sutter, and had confidence that despite the seemingly lower test scores, Jacob was getting a good education.  I also felt a confidence that God had given me the opportunity to go to Millikin just to be thankful for what I had at Sutter.

This is the email I sent to them after our conversation.

Dear Mark & Audrey,

Thank you for the length of time you spent talking w/ me and sorry that I probably talked for 90 percent of it.  If there's anything you more you feel you want to share with me I'd be happy to receive it.

What I did register from our conversation is your honest concern regarding my anxiousness.  I really appreciate your honesty and I agree with you.  But I assure you that the experiences in the past few moths have taught me to trust Him more.  Sutter was once my no-other-choice-school, CLIP was the closed-door school, and Millikin was the winning-ticket-must-accept school.  I am now embracing Sutter by my free-will and I need to pray and repent to God for not trusting Him when I was put there in the first place.

By God's grace, I will report back to you in 3 months, 6 months, 9 months that I am still full of thanksgiving to Him!

Millikin decision

This morning I woke up at 5:00 to write a letter to my friend Audrey, who is the PTA president at Millikin.  I was wrestling with this issue all weekend, and it just became clearer and clearer. I'll send this email to Audrey tomorrow if I am successful to getting back to Sutter.  I'm really nervous about that.

Dear Audrey,

Just wanted to let you know that I decided to send Jacob back to our home school, Sutter.  We've been thinking and praying about this, and we are sure this is what we wanted to do.

I wanted to let you know the the reasons why, because you are such a big part of Milllikin and my desire for Jacob to attend in the first place.

Basically, I'm going back to Sutter not because of what Millikin is, but because of what I'm leaving at Sutter.  I really had no business applying to Millikin in the first place.  I didn't apply till the end of January, didn't visit the school tours since two years before that, and didn't even care about my number on the waiting list.  But after discovering that I had a good waiting list number, I was so enticed to attend Millikin because of its strength in academics, its structure and discipline, and because your family attended that school -- and I have a lot of respect for you and your family.  Also, because almost everyone who doesn't know Sutter told me that I'd be crazy to give up the opportunity to "attend the best school in California" or to give-up getting a "private school education for public school prices".  Also thinking about the CLIP program left open the possibility of leaving Sutter, and Millikin was a very attractive, if not better, opportunity.  Plus the work displayed at the open house was very impressive, and the families and children there appeared friendly and happy.

On the other hand, I really had no good reason for leaving Sutter. Sutter has a community of friends whom Jacob & I have grown to love.  Just as my group at LSI was like family to me, so is Sutter.  Of the 55 families in Jacob's 2nd grade class (divided among 3 classrooms), I know about 2/3's of them because of volunteering, after-school activities, sport teams, birthday parties, and just by standing outside near, but not distracting, the classroom those 10 minutes before dismissal.  Like LSI, there are a lot of Christians at Sutter.  We have an after-school Bible club, of which many of Jacob's Christian & non-Christian friends attend, and it is supported by a group of teachers and a principal who pray for the Sutter kids every Wednesday morning.  Also, I really liked how Jacob has friends from school who live just around the corner, and that one day, he & Joanna could actually walk w/ their friends to school. Finally, his teachers at Sutter give warm hugs and while managing to challenge and inspire Jacob.  I have seen Jacob grow tremendously these past two years academically, emotionally, and socially.

Over the past 2 weeks, I've felt so much loss after I left Sutter, and it was reinforced again and again when I pass by the campus, or see old friends.  My feelings were validated by Hong (thank you for passing me her contact info), who told me that after 3 years at Millikin, her son still longed to return to Sutter (which is not an option for him since Sutter is not their home school).

I feel that God allowed me to send Jacob a little while to Millikin to really appreciate what I had at Sutter.  I'm sure that if Jacob had started out at Millikin as a Kindergartener, I would probably love Millikin just as I do Sutter.  While I had been conerned at Sutter about whether it was academic or structured enough, or whether Jacob's education was being slowed down by the  academically "lowest kids", I now feel a new confidence that this is where God has put us and this is where I want my kids to be.

Kettle corn & Pho don't mix

On Friday, Joanna and I went to the farmer's market to buy kettle corn to fill in goody bags that I was going to pass out to my 1st - 3rd grade children's worship class.  Well, it turned out we had a lot extra, so I ate about 4 cups on my own.  That, plus a medium sized milkshake from baskin robbins and a big bowl of chicken soup on Friday night = typical eating binge.  It wasn't even a certain time of the month when I have food cravings.  Then on Saturday, I had two birthday parties in which I felt the need to have multiple slices of delicious, cheesy and tomato-saucy pizza.  I stepped on the scale this morning and hit an all-time personal high, which is 8 pounds higher than my lowest weight since having Joanna.  (The wonders of breastfeeding). Then for lunch, I had pho, and it really solidified my weight-gain and midsection, making it completely impossible to wear any of my zip-up shorts comfortably.  I weighed myself today, and the scale was up another 2 pounds.  I better have self control tonight for our bi-weekly family dinner with James' family.

The sad thing is that I thought I was supposed to LOSE weight now that I quit work and supposedly have so much more time to exercise!   Well, coincidentally, I did start doing my Kathy Smith upper body workout on Wednesday, and lower body workout on Friday.  I was sore like crazy since I haven't picked up any weights for a couple of months.  That might have triggered my food cravings, and swelling and bloatiness after satisfying them.  Makes it seem better for me to not exercise so that I can have less muscles and weigh less and feel smaller, though flabbier, and not have those eating binges caused by my body trying to repair & build muscle tissue (or at least that's what I'd like to hope is the reason why I was feeling hungry).

Back to School Night at Millikin

Went to Jacob's Back to School night tonight.  James was able to come home from work early so it was nice to go together, especially since there are so many new faces at this school.  I sure miss Sutter where Jacob was attending for K and 1st grade.  Jacob & I were really happy there socially.  We had a lot of friends , and were very involved, and were very familiar with everything.  I never should have listened to my colleague who told me it doesn't hurt to just apply to Millikin.  Who would have known we would have had a lottery number of 3 after getting numbers in the 100's all the previous years!  My friends who don't know Sutter all say I'd be crazy for passing up the chance to go to the best school in California (according to the API scores).

Millikin definitely has a different culture than Sutter.  The nick-name "militant" seems quite appropriate.  But it does seem like they are doing a good job teaching the basics.  I wonder if Jacob is really better off there than at Sutter.  I'll give it a year and consider going back to Sutter if I am very unhappy there.

I was happy to finally meet some other parents from Jacob's classroom tonight.  For the past few weeks I've been introducing myself to other parents, but usually there was little reciprocated interest in talking to me because their child is in a different grade.  I was a little disappointed, and I should stop comparing with Sutter where I know all the parents (at least by face), but I have decided that I am sending Jacob to Millikin to learn and that's all I'll expect for this year.

I volunteer in the science lab tomorrow, so I am very excited about that . 

My First Blog

This is my first blog.  I thought it would be nice to start journaling now that I started my new life as a Stay At Home Mom of 2 kids, after being a part-time working mom for the past 7 years.  It's been 3.5 weeks now, and I'm loving it!  Although I admit the first few days, I was seriously contemplating going back to work.  But my kids started school last week, and I am finally starting to get a routine going.

I've got a lot to write about, since I am quite the verbose one among my friends, and since I lost a regular adult audience to talk to during the day.  So I am very excited about this new medium in which to vent my thoughts and feelings.  But being that this is my first blog, I better stop here and press the publish button and see how this works.  Plus, it's almost midnight, and I should be going to bed.