I wish I can go back in time

These are the thoughts I had last week, after I found out about my father's passing.

I wish I can go back in time. See you again when you were young and healthy. Watch you cook and garden. Eat a meal with you. Listen to all the stories of your youth. Really treasure the moments with you. I feel so empty and sad. There's a pain stabbing my heart and my guts so deeply that I feel nauseated. Such a terrible, powerless feeling. So final, so unchangeable, so immutable. The pain penetrates so deeply. The tears pouring down like waves. I'm drowning in sorrow and I'm stunned. I don't know how I can live the rest of my life missing you.

Death is ruthless. Our bodies are a tent. After we die, it's just an empty shell. Our lives on earth are just like a beautiful flower that is gone tomorrow.

I want to hear your voice again, Dad! I want to touch you, Dad!

Daddy, I love you. I wish I had a thousand more memories of you. The images of your house on Doublegrove St keep coming back to me. The yellow table, the old white desk, the kitchen with the stove on the peninsula, the booth seat, the window over the sink, the glass dining table, the green sofa, the horse paintings, the huge wooden framed television set, the hilly backyard, the pink carpets, the trees growing all over your front and backyard, the executive desk in the middle of the living room, the addition you put in the back of the house to rent out, which totally darkened your house, the pink carpets, the simple Christmas lights that you lined your roof with, your brown Cadillac, and later your dark red Cressida. My trips to LA will never be the same again. How can I drive down Azusa Ave without thinking about you?

Dear God, I need your comfort and peace. I need to know that my dad is really in a better place. Speak to me, please,God. My hope can only come from you. Lord, I need you!

Dad,my soul is aching for you. But no amount of tears will bring you back. No amount of cries. The gut wrenchin grief beyond anything I could compare with or imagine. The club of bereavement I never wanted to join. The moaning that has no release. The pain that has no relief.

I've spent many hours just lying on my bed feeling endless guilt for what I did not do, did not say enough of. I wish we lived closer together. I wish I had visited more. I wish I would have stayed longer when I visited you. I wish I had taken more trips with you.

I look at myself in the mirror and can see the sadness in my eyes. Make-up cannot mask it, smiles cannot hideit. I can try to go on with my day, get on with mylife, but each glimpse of myself inthe mirror surprises me with its candid view into my soul.

I wish you could hear me tell you right now that I love you...